Crossroads

Right now I am sitting at a crossroad... Thinking which way should I turn? Thinking should I stay on this road or turn left or right? How do you know you've made a good decision to turn or go straight ahead? Which ever way you turn will provide a new path. Turning back is not an option. Moving forward scares me but standing still exhausts me so I must be able to confront one head on. Either way has risks involved.

Since returning to Wadeye after the holidays these questions have continuously popped into my head. There has not been a day gone by where they haven't crossed my mind, especially in the face of some unrest here. It has made me ponder at great length, as well as created an increased anxiety ridden state of mind. I'm riding the waves of life here - helping me to find a clear purpose in my own life.

I can say in many ways I've been quite selfish over the last year - thinking of my own needs too much. I must always ask for the forgiveness fro, anyone who has crossed my path but especially at this time in my life. Moving remotely hasn't been all smooth sailing, not always happy, smiling faces or even created a clearer understanding of the indigenous culture. It has made me to question everything I know or a have read and continue questioning even after I have found an initial answer because the learning never stops. 

Countless people have said these words to me over the last year "you must be having an amazing experience!?". While I can say there is parts of this journey that are amazing there are also many heart wrenching moments too where I have to continue questioning what actually is good in this situation? I think the people who have said this statement need to cut out the 'amazing' part and just make it - "you must be having an experience". This is a much more accurate, clear and true statement.

It's more important that I reach out to my brothers and sisters of this world and try and gain an understanding then it is to find one fixed answer which is unattainable. From the beginning I said to myself, 'I am not going to change the world, I am going to change my thinking'. I can clearly state that while this as my objective I am reaching it everyday in new unfounded ways.

You can't change who you are no matter how hard you try. Denying yourself the basic right to be yourself can only hurt you (and possibly others) further. Yes, you can change some actions and make some different choices but changing who you (warts and all) is never going to be a good option. My God (who I believe in) asks me to trust him and trust myself further to be the true 'me'. 

My faith has taken many dips along the 'Road of PK' (see pervious post) but I know it has in turn made my beliefs and values stronger because of these dips and also allowed me to realise how lucky I am in life with what I have experienced and continue to experience.  The further I get along the journey of life the more I know the answers to the questions are not just black and white but a varied array of colours and tones splashed across a blank canvas. Colours can be added or painted over, but underneath the original canvas is you, and always seeps through.

Don't compare yourself to others. Of course there are times in life where you will look at someone else's life or how they dealing with it and think - I wish that was me or I wish you would come join my line of thinking and be my partner in crime so to speak - but I can't live through 'you', be 'you' or expect 'you' to be 'me'... That's not a terrible thing. It's a good thing that we are all different coming from unique backgrounds and experiences. 

I don't know where the future leads, but right now I must journey, not worry about the path but make sure it's lead with the questions - is this next step being true to myself and the person I am? Will it benefit others?